Now I Go to the Goats… Transmissions from the Negev


Oh, these long days have not been good to one Young Daweed, Esq. I have done some very bad things, and it is the opinion of some that I have fallen into what professionals call "Jakey Soifer syndrome". Losing my mind, becoming a goat and such other widely condemned things. It is true that my appearance may have taken on ungulate features, but that is hardly reason to chastise! Is it? Is it? Well the only professional that I can trust, myself, has both proscribed and administered a strict regimen of violent masturbation and a weekly intake of 4 packs of the Mid-East's finest cigarettes. And well, throwing caution to the wind and whatnot, at least it’s taking the edge off. Like my mother always says "if you cant beat them, join them, and if you can't join them, there is something obviously wrong with you."



I’m quite fond of the goats. They are affectionate and quite sharp… but spawned of the foulest hell, to be sure. Some of the boys were recently castrated out of fear that their incestuous friskiness would cause damaged offspring, or as this Dutch guy named Kenny said “we had to take their balls because they were fuck their mommies!” In a separate incident, an oddly formed external sac of organs spilled forth onto the shit covered ground from the umbilical cord of a freaky-deaky newly born goat. We placed the offensive abomination in a garbage bag and threw it back to the hell from whence it came (via the cosmic portal in the kitchen dumpster of course). As any fool can recognize such obvious precursors to the apocalypse, be sure to start gathering canned goods and find yourself a cockroach-like woman that can survive handily off starvation rations in a bunker.




Today another monster was born; a baby goat whose sheer size is enough to make a grown man shit on himself. This kid is so big that in his first hour he was already bigger then his cousins who had come forth two weeks ago. The way his mother is still walking is evidence of the horrors she endured. As Mom says, "if we don't start sterilizing those among us who are unsavoury then we should get used to living in fear." Incidentally, she has taken her own advice and sterilized my father, a man who has lived in a deep and relentless fear ever since. Anyways, a goat with bonafide acromegaly1. It's a scary fucking world.



Recently I got a new room mate, a bit of a bummer because I have gotten used to walking around buck naked, pissing on the walls and burning my own pubic hair (to keep the demons at bay, or course). But the guy seems ok, at least he let me live for the first night. So who knows, maybe tonight we will go get loaded, piss on the arts center and then double team the giant baby goat.



While I have never been so glad for my years of masturbatory exercise, after milking this many goats they say a man can never be the same. I’ve been banging my ass in this dessert for quite some time, but goddamnit, I still know where my loyalties lie. So you can tell god and Krishna to suck-a-fuck. Some may call me a godless heathen and others a soulless goatfucker, but aint nobody that can siiiiiiing like me… and, well… I knew Gandhi, and he was a prick. So let me have this release and perhaps it will please you.


Now I go to the goats…



- Daweed von Moshe




1 A chronic disease characterized by enlargement of the bones of the head, the soft parts of the feet and hands, and sometimes other structures, due to excessive secretion of growth hormone by the pituitary gland.